You Can't Coparent with a Narcissistic Ex

In this revealing episode of Unapologetic Parenting, host Carl Knickerbocker tackles the all-too-common struggle of trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex, and why it often feels utterly impossible. Co-parenting typically requires flexibility, shared goals, and mutual respect – qualities a narcissistic ex may refuse to engage with, prioritizing control and conflict instead. Carl delves into the traits that define narcissistic behavior in co-parenting situations, explaining how a narcissistic ex’s need to “win” at all costs undermines any effort toward cooperation and creates a destructive cycle of counter-parenting.

This episode not only sheds light on the core challenges of this dynamic but also offers practical strategies for navigating it. Carl emphasizes how to protect your peace, minimize conflict, and focus on your child’s well-being, even when true co-parenting isn’t possible. If you’re dealing with a high-conflict situation, this episode provides empathetic insight, encouragement, and guidance on finding stability and resilience in the face of difficult circumstances.

Transcript

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Welcome to Unapologetic parenting. The podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing high conflict, co parenting, blended families and the family court system, we take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer solutions and support to help you be a better parent, better spouse in your blended family, and happier human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome to Unapologetic parenting. I'm your host, Carl Knickerbocker, and today we're discussing why co parenting with a narcissistic ex often feels completely impossible. The short answer is that it feels impossible because it is. It may be a cliche thing to say, but it is not possible to co parent with somebody who is fanatically dedicated to counter parenting at every single term co parenting as we understand it, it requires a shared focus. It requires flexibility between people, but narcissistic co parents prioritize control over collaboration. They are not wired to cooperate. They are not wired to share. They are wired to control. They're wired to win. They're wired to do all sorts of things that run completely contrary to the notion of peaceful co parenting. And typically, for a truly narcissistic ex, their conception of peaceful co parenting is that you just roll over and do anything and everything they want without asking any questions to them. That is the only solution, the only way for peace. And even then, it's a nightmare. What are some different ways that they try to exert control? So they try to exert control through communication. And so if they can find a way to Jack with co parenting communication, they will one way is they might just respond only when it suits them. They're going to ignore important messages are going to put off giving you information that you need. They're going to make their communication very erratic. They're going to infuse it with all sorts of sorts of inflammatory and accusatory language. They're going to make it as stressful and awful as possible all along the way they're going to send you demanding texts, and they're going to expect immediate replies and immediate responses from you. They want it instantly when it's convenient for them, but they are not going to offer the same courtesy to you, and this pattern of being erratic and demanding and stressful just creates a constant stress, and it puts you on constant edge. Their tactic of jacking with communication and using it for control disrupts planning. It strains the co parenting relationship. It usually stresses out the kids and everyone else involved, and it keeps things centered on them, on their turns, on their messages, on their demands, instead of on any sort of effective co parenting style. Other things that they'll do, they'll use the kids as a tool for control. They're going to triangulate the kids in they're going to involve the kids in adult matters, they're going to always be trying to position themselves as the good parent and the one who has all the answers, while working to actively alienate the children from the other parent. They might engage in last minute changes. They're going to play favorites. They're going to forget important details. They're going to work to undermine your relationship with the child. They're going to undermine your authority. They're going to make decisions without consulting you, and they're going to make it clear as much as possible, in word and in deed, that they're the ones in charge, and that they are the only ones who have a say, and your role is worth being disregarded as any sort of equal parent. Other ways, it's a very, very long list, but to run through these, they're going to be inconsistent and unpredictable with their behavior. So through the relationship with them, we probably noticed they are erratic, they are inconsistent, they are explosive. They are unpredictable, and they will continue to behave in these ways, even through the co parenting relationship they love, last minute changes in the schedules they love, leaving you and the children and everyone else uncertain about what is actually going to happen. Are they going to show up? Is the trip going to occur? Are they going to make that payment? Are they going to respond and all of that uncertainty. They love it, because it's all about control, and as long as you are. Feeling off centered, and you are feeling unsettled. They feel like they are asserting control. They have everybody waiting for them. They have everyone thinking about them. They have everybody sitting by with bated breath to see what they do. It is all about them. Other ways that they do this is they'll flip flop on decisions. They'll agree to something, then they'll do the complete opposite. They'll show a complete disregard for consistency. They will break their agreements and their promises, usually with no warning whatsoever and no rationale, being able to actually trust that the other person is going to do what they say they're going to do and show up when and how they say they're going to show up is an essential element of any sort of healthy co parenting, just like any sort of healthy relationship for the narcissistic co parent, they just do not operate that way. Finally, one of the things worth touching on is that they will violate boundaries constantly as a control tactic in my coaching practices that I've referred to this very, very frequently as the Raptors testing the fence. They they will look at boundaries as a challenge. They will look at boundaries as something that should be overstepped or ignored, and just like in Jurassic Park, they're going to be testing your boundaries and attacking those electrified fences as much as and as often as possible to try to find some sort of weaknesses in the system. The moment they find those weaknesses, then they're going to try to keep pushing and pushing and pushing until they can get through. They're going to again, disregard agreed upon rules and schedules. They're going to disregard pick up and drop off times. They're going to see agreements as optional and things that they aren't bound by. They're going to see your boundaries and standards as things that are beneath them nothing that they need to be bound by. They're going to encroach on your parenting time. So they will often overstep. They'll call you during your time with a child. They will pester the child through text messages and phone calls. They will try to find every way possible to interrupt your parenting days again in order to maintain a sense of control over the family dynamic, peaceful and effective, collaborative co parenting is an impossibility when dealing with narcissistic X to them. Control is a means to stay relevant. It is a means to get attention. It is a means to continue feeling powerful, to inflict revenge, to continue the mistreatments and abuses that they used to engage in during the relationship. When you cannot co parent with these people, when you cannot have effective co parenting, the best thing that you can do is adopt a parallel parenting approach that can help you maintain boundaries, protect your peace and keep the focus firmly rooted on the child's needs. In parallel parenting, we shut down as many of those avenues of access for the narcissistic co parent to play those games and try to exert their control into our realm. Instead, we say what you need to do in your time, what you need to do in your home, that is up to you. You make your own rules. Good luck. You're on your own as much as reasonably possible, and we will do the same what we do in our home is what we choose to do, how we choose to parent, how we choose to communicate, the rules that we have under our roof, those are ours to determine, just like anybody else. So when traditional co parenting or collaborative co parenting is unattainable because of the ingrained, deep seated behaviors or disordered behaviors in the other parent. The solution to that is to adopt a parallel parenting approach for much more about dealing with a high conflict, narcissistic co parent and parallel parenting. Check out my book, The parallel parenting solution, eliminate conflict with your ex and create the life you want on Amazon and audible today. Also be sure to check out Family Court solutions, how to defeat narcissist bullies and liars in divorce and custody battles, as well as the family court solutions mastery workbook, the vision of Unapologetic parenting is to empower and transform 1 million lives by providing families in high conflict co parenting situations with the education support and strategies they need to build peaceful, stable homes through the power of parallel parenting and effective conflict resolution. This platform is dedicated to breaking the cycles of conflict, protecting the well being of children, and equipping parents with the tools to thrive no matter what challenges they face. Want to help. Share this and spread the word.