Narcissistic Exes Often Accuse Others Of The Very Things They Are Guilty Of

Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens.

Or for another example, if the ex accuses you of being a narcissist without any real evidence to support the extreme label, then that too often indicates splitting and is often a self-accusation.

Narcissistic exes are very fond of accusing others of the very things they are culpable of. Narcissistic exes often accuse the other parent of alienation when they themselves are engaged in alienation attempts. They fabricate evidence and mistreat the children to cause estrangement to support their accusations of alienation.

When the accusations come, step back and assess. Does the ex accuse others of being narcissists (i.e. their dad is a narc, your new spouse’s dad is a narc, you are a narc, and several other of their family members are narcs)? To them, are narcs hiding behind every tree? Are they obsessed with trendy-trendy narcissist advice as part of their quest for “proof” that you are a narc? Do they tell others in the family and community that you are a narc and then make up stories about you?

If your ex seems to be splitting and lying when accusing you, and especially if there is a larger pattern of them doing similar things to others in their lives, then they are most likely projecting their own narcissistic traits onto you. Projection is one of the main mental defenses narcissists use to reject their own feelings of self-inadequacy.

When you see this splitting and projection game in action, it should be a clear sign to disengage. For the purposes of setting boundaries, that should be all the reason and evidence you need. Chances are, you already know that the ex is in capable of taking accountability for their actions or genuinely apologizing to those they have wronged. If you do not already have firm boundaries in place to limit communication with the ex, it is time.

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome back to unapologetic parenting. I'm your host Carl Knickerbocker. And in this episode we are talking about when narcissistic exes accuse you of the very things that they do. One of the things that they love to accuse other people of is narcissism, which we will come to find out is a symptom of their splitting and projecting and putting all of that off onto you. And it's really a confessional projection that cues us into the narcissism that is within them. So whenever we hear extreme accusations, when somebody uses extreme language, such as abuse, narcissist, all of these very, very far polarized terms, in the absence of authentic evidence, those are self accusatory projections. So if somebody's saying abuse, abuse, this, the parent is abusive, the other person is so abusive, and there is no authentic evidence to support that accusation. What that tells you is that it is a self accusation, it is a projection. Other examples are parental alienation, they're alienating me, the other parents alienating me they're they're an alienator. They are engaging in a campaign of alienation against me and you sit back and say, No, actually, I'm not doing anything like that. When you notice that dynamic, a big red flag should go off for you that tells you the other parent is actively trying to alienate you it is a self accusatory projection. Another one would be narcissism when they accuse you of being a narcissist, you're a narcissist, you're just the incarnate devil, evil, awful, most awful human being ever and you sit back and say, I don't embody any of the things that you're accusing me of. That is typically a self accusatory projection. When people are in that cluster B, personality disordered group, they tend to do things like project, they also tend to do things like split splitting is where they just split people into good and evil, completely, right, completely wrong, St. And devil. And so when they are accusing you of being some sort of just completely awful, inflammatory, abusive, alienating, narcissistic, just evil, evil entity, in the absence of any evidence to actually legitimately support that, that is a signal that they are splitting, that is a signal that they are projecting, and splitting and projection are very, very classic symptoms and signs of people who fall into the cluster B personality disorders, which would be things like narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, antisocial, and histrionic personality disorders. So when you see those things going on, you know, oh, I am probably dealing with somebody who falls into those categories. And when they engage in those behaviors, it has nothing to do with me. It is a self accusation, that gives me a bunch of information about them. So of course, when we hear an accusation, when we hear a criticism, we should step back and try to be rational and say, Okay, let me actually look at this. Let me see if there is any truth in this. Because that's what we should do. We should be analyzing ourselves and seeing where we can grow. And the legitimate feedback can come from any source out there. And then after we look at it, we say, Oh, yeah, there's really nothing to substantiate what this person is saying about me. Most likely than what you are seeing is splitting in projection which keys you off that the things they accuse you of are the things that they are guilty of themselves. Another part of your analysis can also be, hey, I've had to deal with this person for years or decades however long have they done these things to people before? And so in my particular case, my ex loves to say that I'm a narcissist because apparently her first lawyer who fired her said that I am probably a narcissist, because I drive a red car and I'm a lawyer, and some ridiculous thing. But she comes up with all of these outlandish accusations against me to say that I'm a narcissist. Well, she also thinks that my wife's dad is a narcissist. She thinks that her brother is a narcissist. She has thought that her dad is a narcissist. She has thought that many male figures in her life have also been narcissists. That should tell us something. We should also analyze does the person accusing us think that there are narcissists hiding behind every tree? Are they obsessed with listening to podcasts about narcissism and just looking for all of the reasons that they can possibly gather to prove prove prove prove that a certain person is a narcissist, that should be evidence that this person is on a campaign to support their splitting and support their projection of these things on to you, you should also look to see does the person who is accusing me? Do they fabricate stories to other people to try to bolster their accusations against me? So if they are accusing you of alienating? Are they just making stuff up? and telling it to their friends and family and to your kids? About what you do? Are they trying to bolster their accusations with lies? If they say that you are a narcissist? Are they going around and telling people false stories about you, in order to bolster their distorted version of you? Well, that is narcissistic behavior. When a person is doing that they are trying to build their little army of flying monkeys that are going to support them in their distorted reality. So if, if if, if your ex seems to be splitting and lying, while they are accusing you, and if there is this larger pattern of them doing similar things to others, such as other male or female, family members, friends, people in their pasts, then most likely, what they are doing is they're projecting their own high narcissistic traits onto you. And projection, especially is one of the main central mental defense mechanisms that narcissists especially use to reject their own feelings of self inadequacy. So anytime you start seeing this, what do you do? You put big firm boundaries in place, you know, you know enough that you are now dealing with a person who is mentally disordered, you know that this person probably has a personality disorder or has a high number of traits that indicate personality disorder, maybe they're subclinical, it really doesn't matter because they will still make your life a living nightmare if you allow them to get over involved or cross any boundaries. So you need to put boundaries in place to make sure that they are limited as much as possible. Shut down communication, don't fight them or respond. Let them go believe whatever their distorted thing is, you're not going to change them because they're disordered. Nothing you can say rationally is going to change an irrational person into better behavior. That's just not how it works. When you see them acting that way, put firm boundaries in place. Focus on yourself, focus on your family, focus on your growth and the things that you want to create. Focus on you being impeccable in as many ways as you can possibly imagine in your word and your deeds and your work. Everything else. Focus on yourself becoming the healthiest, happiest, most creative version of yourself and just carve that person out as much as humanly possible. Just get rid of them as much as you can. Because you know, they're in Capable of change. They're incapable of apology. They're incapable of accountability. They stall out at a certain level. And that's all that they ever do. You, however, can grow you, however, can improve. And you can take their self accusatory accusations as a prompt for yourself, to focus on yourself and grow and improve. Focus on your family, love the people who are actually receptive to the attention you give them, and refuse to give any attention to the narcissist who is just floundering around and trying to build their case against you with their flying monkey army or whatever they're doing. Just let them do what they're doing. You focus on yourself, be impeccable. And in time, people will be able to see that you're growing, you're solid, you're impeccable, you're consistent, and that impeccability will begin exposing the nonsense that the narcissist is spreading about you and others may begin to see that the accusations the narcissist has been spreading to and about you are actually self accusations.