How To Talk To Your Kids About The Divorce

When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents).

I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divorce.

Even after the dust has settled and the divorce is final, the kids don’t need to know the details that drove the decisions. We should give them solid reasons to explain why the divorce happened...but we should do so in terms of the larger values that drove the choice...such as “we want different things in life and this choice allows us to pursue those things” or “sometimes marriages don’t work out for many reasons, and that’s okay.” It is okay to say “we’re not happy together and this choice allows things to be better.” Speak to the larger values, not the details.

Any message should be about reassuring the kids that the divorce decision was not their fault and should reinforce to them that they are supported and secure. Speaking reassurance and support to the kids is far more important than a parent speaking his or her “truth” to them.

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. My name is Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting. Today we're talking about how to tell your kids about the divorce, how to give them the information they need, how to have that conversation with them that divorce is going to be taking place upfront, what you say is far less important than who you are. So when it comes to sharing news with the kids and coming up with a strategy, and how are we going to break the news and everything else, what you say, is far far far far overshadowed by who you are your words, you could have perfect close script, everything else. And if you're a train wreck of a person, they're not going to be listening to your script, they're just gonna be seeing train wreck, you can give them the most sympathetic, soothing rational words and everything else. But if you are out of control yourself, that is what kids are going to pick up on. So who you are, is far far, far more important than any actual thing you say. But to get into the nuts and bolts of having the conversation itself. First plan ahead. You want to make sure you have a plan, rehearsed out laid out of what you're going to say not only what you're going to say, but how you're going to say how are you going to show up in that space? How are you going to present yourself to them. And the way you show up should be supportive, reassuring, clear on what you're doing, why you're doing it, what you're doing next, be clear, be centered. How you show up your emotional tenor, your emotional state in that conversation is going to dictate so many things down the road. When you show up solid for your kids, they're going to respond to that solidity when you show up all over the radar to them, it's going to throw them all over the radar. So show up plan ahead, plan out what you're going to hit as far as key points, key plans. have that set and ready to go. And then plan how you're going to emotionally show up. Other things that go into the planning stage. Don't just show up and be like, Oh, yeah, this is gonna happen. And I have no idea where I'm going to live or where I'm going to go or anything else. figure all that stuff out first. These are things you should be figuring out your action plan, the x, y, z, what's going to be moving forward. So you're not just sitting there going, Yeah, we're doing something. And we don't know. And I have no clue where I'm going. And when I'm doing or so I'm freaked out and have no plan, no guidance, and the kids are going to pick up on that and say we have absolutely no Shepherd here, we have nobody steering this ship. And that is not good for the kids to pick up on. So plan ahead, have your plan in place, plan how you're going to show up, know what you're actually doing moving forward, be clear on what you want to create. Next, start getting clear on what you're moving toward, you know, what's your future vision? What are you going to create? That's going to be good to bring the kids into? What's your plan? You know, what's your backup? What's your support, figure all that stuff out? So when you have the conversation with them, you're coming from a place of knowledge, you're coming from a place of security in yourself, you're coming from a place of clarity, instead of a place of confusion. So should you have the conversation together? Point number two. I don't know some people do. Some people will sit down and they'll they'll have that responsible conversation together. And we're going to do this and here's the plan and you know, they'll have their, you know, talking points and agree on it ahead of time. I personally have never seen that happen in the wild or at least I haven't seen it happen very successfully in the wild. A lot of times that situation will devolve into something far worse. So if you think that you're going to get ambushed during That conversation if you think that it's just not going to be good to talk together, if you don't think you know, your partner or anyone else is going to be able to keep it together during that time. Don't do it together, find a way to have that conversation on your own. For me, there was a conversation, you know, before I was dumb and showed up at the house and got assaulted for picking up stuff. Don't do that either. watch that video, too. There was a time I came to pick up the kids and got ambushed with we're having this conversation. And dad did this and dad's causing the divorce. And I tried everything, all this stuff, and then had to be like, Well, alright, let's have this very awkward conversation in this setting right now. And I was able to go through and being clear on the plan be like, Hey, kids, all right. Not that, here's the plan. Here's what's going on. And it completely backfired on the other one, because by you know, early in the conversation, the kids were super excited, couldn't wait to go with me thought it was the greatest thing on earth, looked forward to the whole entire divorce process and actually stayed consistent in that state throughout the whole entire thing. And they will even talk about it as being one of the best things that have ever happened in their lives. Because it's been clear from the very, very, very beginning. And so when they have a parent that shows up being like, nope, solid, here's what's the plan. This is my positive emotional state. And this is why I've got you covered, and I am going to be your secure, secure, umbrella, whatever you want to say, I'm here to support you and reassure you, the kids are like, yep, I'm on board with that, and they understand the plan. So talk together, I don't know, a lot of people that doesn't work for if you think it would work for you find set a time when you can both have that conversation and decide the very bare bare bare basics of what would be talked about. And then it's okay to have separate conversations later. So the kids are going to have questions, you're each going to have to have talks probably multiple times with the kids just to reassure and support to go over, here's the plan, here's the clarity, to make sure that they feel secure and what's going on. But if you need to have even the initial conversation separately, that's fine. For a lot of people that works best for a lot of people that safest if there's a safety or security concerns, definitely have it separate. So when do you have this conversation three, don't have it before bed, don't have it before school, don't have a Christmas morning, don't know, ruin a birthday, don't, don't any of that stuff, find a time where there's going to be space to allow the kids to kind of process have a little free space, go over things themselves, without having to you know, aren't jump out of the car down Go to class. And they're like, well, what the hell just happened? Ah, you know, no good, try to plan for, you know, a weekend break something like that, where they're going to actually have space and time to process and be supported after that conversation point for making a non blaming narrative that includes kind of why things are happening. But the Why shouldn't be? Well, because that person sucks or because that person's uh, you know, addicted to this or because that person is, you know, frigid or crazy, or this or that, or he did this or she did that or they did you know, none of that. Just get into, you know, a candid discussion, give them that non blaming narrative of you know, what, sometimes relationships don't work, and this is one of them. And that's okay. We, you know, tried some things, we worked on what we could work on, and we've made the decision or I've made the decision that this isn't this isn't working, and that's okay, that happens in relationships, that is part of growing this part of being an adult. Sometimes things just don't work out. This is one of them. And that is all right. You don't have to go into any of the adult details. Never, never, never, never go into the adult details for things kids don't need to hear that. Sometimes your ex will overshare and they'll start blabbing about you did this and did that and slept with who and did these things and then they'll make up other things too, and they'll get accused for all sorts of things you never did. And maybe your life would have been far more exciting if you had done them. But don't don't don't do that when people overshare and ways that out of spite, and that's to try to create loyalty bonds. That's the initial seeds of alienation. Don't do it. Do not, do not do not do it. Try to keep everything couched in terms of just, these are the basic realities of relationships. This is the basic reality of growth and evolution of people in relationships is sometimes they grow apart and they change. And it's not wrong for that to happen. That's what relationships do. Relationships evolve, and they change and sometimes evolution and change in relationship results in going different paths. And that's all right, we have different visions, it's not working out, here we go. And then give them Step five, the next steps, well, what can they expect, hey, this isn't working out. But you know what, I'm going to create this. This is the plan, this is the vision, having a great life. And these are the things that will change, I think these will change, you know, I'll be living over here, it's gonna be a department like this, this is the plan. These are some of the things we have initially hammered out. As far as you know, you'll spend this time here this time there, there's no plan on changing your school at this point. So don't worry about that, that's cool. You're not going to have to be backpacking stuff, you know, back and forth all the time, I've got stuff set for you, you're good to go. I mean, have have those next steps laid out and make it sound kind of exciting. You don't have to be like as Disneyland every weekend and make all these though pie in the sky sort of promises that you're never going to keep but focus on the positive focus on the vision, focus on what you want to create, you know, this is an opportunity for, you know, us to do these things. And we're going to, you know, build a home culture and you can really get into those things, too, you know, certain lighting up their imagination about what things are going to be so then they're focused a lot more on what you're going to be creating, instead of things that they're imagining that they're losing. Step six, reassure them, reassure them over and over and over again, that the divorce has nothing to do with them. It is not their fault, they didn't do anything to cause it, you are not getting a divorce, because you don't want to spend time with them. Just be like, Look, this has nothing to do with you. I love you. And you know, this relationship over here, this has evolved and changed, but it's not because of you, you have not caused this to happen. You're not at fault. You're not to blame, love you, we're going to create this thing together and you know, your my kids and love you to pieces and give them that reassurance that this is happening for adult reasons that are completely independent of anything involving them, and that you are doing nothing but staying with them, reassuring them, supporting them being on their team, and not blaming them at all, because it's not their fault. It's nothing they're creating, it's their kids, and you bring them up and it's your job and your responsibility, your role, your privilege to be able to raise them. And yeah, I'm gonna keep showing up for you. And you're awesome. Love you. That's it. So last step, think Step seven, invite questions. They'd be like, I know, that was a ton. I know you've got some questions, kind of go through some things and just really steer them toward reassurance, very non blaming narratives of just basically why things are happening, field some of their questions, and then move on from the conversation, post conversation. There'll be more questions and be like, you know what, always bring your questions. totally right. And then you can start doing some more Socratic method on things perhaps and start being like, Well, you know, what do you think? What do you think about relationships and you know, things change, you know, what do you want to create? What do you see happening, and you can start really getting into it to let them create along with you, you can help them discover the answers to their own questions, you can use that last step of inviting the questions to then guide and teach, especially using, you know, again, Socratic method that really helps them to be able to move through things. Post conversation, again, they're gonna have those questions. And you're gonna need to give them some time you need to give them some space, they're going to need time to process because it's a lot and they're going to need time to get adapted to the new routines are going to need time to move through these changes and that's okay. And during that time, they're going to have a bunch of emotions and they're going to you know, Be kind of confused and they might be weepy one day, or they might this they might that during that period of time, you control your emotions, you be impeccable with your emotions, it's okay to show emotion, you can be sad, you can cry, you can get some that, that is okay. But it is not not ever okay to be out of control in such a way that your kids have to parent you, they are not there to support you, you have to keep your stuff together all the time. So you are the parent to them, you support them. If you need to have a little bit more of an emotional display or something like that, that's what professionals are for, for friends or things like that, you do that on your time, you do not do that, in any situation where the kids end up having to play a supportive parenting role for you. That's role reversal, you do not want to go down the path of role reversal. That's a whole other topic, but just know don't do it. You are responsible for keeping yourself in check. And then over time, you can keep checking in with them know how you feel and what's going on. Tell me about your day and then start incorporating conversations about you know, hey, you know, what do you think about this Wasn't that a lot of fun, hey, find things to be appreciative about in this new lifestyle, get their feedback, get their ideas, check in with their emotions, and then anytime that they're showing, you know, concern or anxiety over the divorce, if they're saying Oh, the divorce or this or that. That's a signal to you that there's something behind that thing. So if they're saying, Oh, it's the divorce, no, that's their concern over the divorce is not the thing. It's the thing behind the thing. And the thing that's usually back there is insecurity. And so that's where they need to be built back up. They need to know you got your act together, you they need to know you got your plan. They need to know they're safe. They need to be secured. And they need to just be reassured they need to be supported. Have gotcha. Here's what we're doing. You can go over the vision again, you can give them the basics of why things happen and make sure to check in with them. That is not their fault. That's how you have the conversation.