Narcissistic Parent Games - Lesser of Two Evils

Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids.

And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they use that against you, too.
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Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. My name is Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting and today we are talking about the lesser of two weevils. Yes, it's comes from the movie master and commander, where you have the little hard pack bread thing on the plate and you have the little Weebles crawling around it. If you haven't watched that film. Definitely watch that film. And then get the soundtrack and listen to the soundtrack with your kids. It's amazing. Great, great great great film great soundtrack highly recommend it anyways, you have little weevils crawling around. And the question is, well, if you had to choose between these two weevils, which one would you choose? And you know, they have to think about it? Oh, definitely, I would choose the one that is hardy or and this is that that then Haha, you know, don't you know, you should always choose the lesser of two evils. And so great little dad joke, really, the dad jokes a boat full of men, and they tell each other dad jokes, apparently. But that is to transition to our context. That's kind of one of the games that these narcissistic exes these narcissistic co parents play is they force you to choose between the lesser of two evils. And so a couple examples from my own experience. One is something that I talked about in another video recently, in dealing with a narcissistic parent, episode one. And that is a situation where you know, the winter vortex is coming snow and ice, it's known that this storm is going to come and the other parent just will not will not will not will not send the kids over so they can be here and he's safe, etc, etc. Just won't do it won't do it won't do it on till after the storm and after the snow and after everything else starts. And then the choice becomes well you can you can go without the kids for a period of time and go without them and yada yada. Or you can drive in the ice and snow and go and skate all over the place and then pick up the children and have to drive back with them. In ice in all this treacherous weather. It's it's a choice between these two really crappy things. It's like you get the choice between crappy and crappier. No, do you get to spend time without them for a while? Or do you get to go and risk your life and their life. And you know, the other side is definitely sitting there waiting for some other trap, either hoping that you have an accident on the way to go get the kids or you have an accident on the way back. And then they get to say, oh, but I thought it was such a bad idea or they withhold them or who knows what other weevils they build into the situation. But it's, they will delay things and put things off and work to try to box you in until your only decision is between these two things that both really suck. And where you have to step up with some sort of value that says, know what makes the most sense is that the kids are safe, that I am safe, that everyone's safe, we should stay off the road like everybody is advising. Only emergency personnel should be the only people on the road during that time and bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. But then of course the other side gets to turn to the kids and go, Oh, well, dad had an opportunity to come get you. I guess he's choosing not to get you and Baba and then they try to use that as a way to make themselves look so good and so noble. And so everything else and they only feed the kids a little piece of the story. Another example would be Halloween, we had a Halloween the other year, under the older ways, Dumb Ways that got drafted into something and passed me during the divorce process. But it was this clause that would say that the parents had shared possession on Halloween. And so in even number years or odd number years, you know, whichever parent had primary, they would, you know, have the kids but the other parent could have them for like a couple little hour block and be able to do some Halloween stuff and then go deliver them to the other house and then they would go and have the rest of their Halloween festivities there. And so it was on a year where I would have that list. Little block, and the kids had a school day. And so the kids would be, you know, getting out of school. And literally, I could look cross out this window, and I can see the school from here. That's how close it is. The kids can ride their bikes to and from school. And so the proposal was, Hey, you know, the kids can come here, after school, you know, I can take them for a little bit, they can have dinner, you won't have to drive, you won't have to do all this other stuff. They can just come here, make sure they're fed, they have some friends and neighbors and want to see them and at least spend a little bit of time with them and see their costumes, and then I'll go and deliver them to the other house on time. No, no, that's my possession day, no, you can't do that. I will pick up the kids and drive them all the way to the other house, just so they could have a few minutes, almost literally a few minutes, I think was like 40, something 45 minutes ish is all that they would end up having over at the other house to get changed and everything else for the time that I would have to go pick them up. But then it would be way too long to drive them all the way back do anything significant and and drive them all the way back over. And it just created this awful situation of just, you know, no, that is the letter of the law. That is that is all it will be and the kids will be here. And that's my time. And if you don't like it, you could come pick them up. And then you could trick or treat around my neighborhood, or take them to some other neighboring neighbor. It's just like, why are you subjecting your kids to a crap experience? Oh, it's because it's not about the kids. It's about creating a situation where it's either crap or crappier. So you could say, you know what, I'll go and I'll play along with the Narcissus games and do this stuff. And then it's just, you know, the dad who has to go drag, take his kids around some other neighborhood and all this other nonsense, or, you know, just say, you know what, it's not worth it, I'm going to stay here, I've got other family, there are people there everything else that are waiting to go trick or treating, and people coming over. And it just, it doesn't make sense. You know, if you're going to take the kids and just take them and let them enjoy their evening, let them have their full experience and just not be interrupted. Oh, well, your father had an option to take the kids and he just didn't, he didn't come get you and all this other nonsense. So if that sounds familiar to you, if you notice that as a repeat structure in what the other parent does, it's the lesser of two evils. It's the lesser of two evils. It's the crap versus crappier scenario that they love to put you in, they love to create these situations where they can box you in, to have to choose between these two things that aren't good at all. And they get to sit back and be ha ha ha, I've created this situation where you're having to compromise yourself either way, the solution to it is you got to just stick to your values. And the core values of it would be what's really best for the kids in that situation. And you can just say, you know what, whether it's the driving on ice, which is a bad idea, and what's best for the kids as they stay put where they are, and they stay safe, and nobody takes an unnecessary risk and just not play the game and be like fine, have them because at least they're safe. Or if it's a Halloween situation where you say, you know what, that's real crappy for the kids. It's not what they want. We want anyone else wants. But that's your game. What's best for the kids as they get to go and at least be in one place and take their time and enjoy themselves and go out and have their experience. I'll see them another day. You just have to take this higher value road. And sometimes it sucks because typically the right decision involves saying, You know what? I'm going to pass on playing this game I'm going to pass on exposing myself and others to unnecessary harassment or hassle or risk or danger or anything else. I'm just not going to do it. You go ahead and have your delusional, sick little thought that you've won something fine. What's more important is that the kids are safe, that the kids have continuity of experience that they are in just one spot like that. It's very difficult is very, very difficult to reach that point to say you know, I'm just going to pick the high road because what you want to do is be like No, it's my right is my right to? Well, no, when you're starting to exercise your right at that point, you're just playing into the Narcissus games. And it's so much better for everyone to just go ahead and say you know what, that is not a fight worth fighting that is not a sword worth falling on, that is not a hill I want to die on. That's not a weevil I want to eat. I don't want to eat either weevil. So it's like, take the nobler of the two evils and stick with that. And then if it ever comes up to your kids, talk to them about weevils, go rent that movie, play that scene and be like, Hey, you know, sometimes you have to make these choices between these two things. And one will know make more sense to the other, but both will still kind of stink, and it's kind of like Halloween. It's kind of like this, it's kinda like that, don't you think? And when you do that, then they start being able to see the games. And you don't have to be all heavy handed about and be like your mom did this or your dad did that. But be like, Hey, you know, remember this thing that you experienced the thing that you told me about these things that you were told about how I didn't show up? Well, here's the context. And here are the weevils. Which weevil would you choose? And then they realize oh, hey, you know mom, or dad chose the chose the right weevil. It's the nobler weevil. My name is Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting. These are the games that so many of us have to deal with. And I hope that by calling them out and I hope you find a way to start naming them as well. The more you call them out, the more you name them, the more you describe them and define them. The more you are able to define your own power, see it and then make the most sensible choices for yourself and your kids.