When The Other Parent Sucks At Being A Parent

It is difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend parents who literally do not show up for their kids...especially when that absentee or negligent parent is the other parent of your own child.

Many times the child neglect is part of an attention seeking game played out by a narcissistic parent.  The game is designed to keep you enmeshed in contact and enabling.

This episode discusses those situations where the other parent sucks at being a parent, what often lurks behind such behaviors, and what we can do for ourselves and our children when this occurs. 

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. My name is Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting. And today we're going to talk a little bit about the guilt that we feel when the other parent sucks, sucks up parenting, neglects the kids. Yeah, just doesn't show up for them. It sucks. It's, we it's so hard to wrap our minds around where it's like, Here, take the child, spend time with the child, go hang out with your son, go hang out with your daughter, and they're like, no, and go play video games. I don't care, I'm not going to pick them up. I'm going to ignore the kids. And we say no, seriously, like, hang out with your kid. Love them do things. They want to spend time with you? And they're like, No, it's okay. If I don't see him for months. And, you know, I'm gonna move on with, you know, this guy or this girl, and we're gonna do stuff. And you know, who cares? You know, who cares about the kid? And, you know, okay, yeah, I'll take my possession day, I'm gonna just stick them in front of movies, and really spend time with them. And hey, can you come pick them up early? or? Yeah, I'm gonna come pick them up, and then I'll know show. So many exes just completely suck at being a parent. That's the way it is. So what do we need to get clear on first, we can do some basic things to try and be like, hey, this time is available. This is your right under the decree or the order possession order. These your times this is what's available. If they show they show. If they don't, they don't, we can't control what somebody else does. We can't make them be a better parent. And a lot of times, they're not showing up, they're sabotaging of that relationship, the things that they do to neglect and not show up for the child is actually part of a game to draw you the other parent into a power struggle into a dynamic where there can now be all this other collateral communication to just vent all sorts of abuse and venom on you. Most of the time is baiting into a trap. A lot of times, it's also they just suck at being a parent. And, you know, let's be honest, they kind of suck at being a person, and that's who they are. And so a lot of our guilt, I think, isn't necessarily, you know, oh, they're not spending how, how are they spending time with poor child and this and that, it's like, How the hell did I reproduce with that? was wrong with me that I had a child with that. And guess what? You did? Guess what I did? And we all did. And you can't go back and change it. The deep thing we don't want to say, we don't want to admit to is there's an underlying component that says, If I could go back and undo that, maybe I would, but then you see your child and you're like, Hell no, I never would. Well, yeah, of course. Nobody's gonna be like, Oh, I wish my child didn't exist. Of course not. There's that conflicted level, though. But of course, then we say, You know what? Yeah, our kid exists. I love my child. Oh, my gosh, they just, you know, hang the star and the moons. It's like what Christopher Hitchens says, Is my heart running around outside of my body and just, oh, you just love your kid to pieces? And then how could this other person not also love this child to pieces? Some parents are incapable of loving their kids as reality and all sorts of other parts of the animal kingdom parents will eat their offspring at some point. Maybe we're not so far up the evolutionary chain as some of these other things. I don't know. I can't explain it because my brain doesn't work that way. Your brain doesn't work that way. A lot of other people's brains do work that way. And it's not. It's not a thing that we can fathom because our brains literally don't do that. But a lot of people do have the inability. They are incapable of loving in certain ways and showing up in certain ways. But still, there is a kid we love our kids, we love them to pieces, they are so awesome. What can we can? What can we control? Well, we can control our relationship to our child we can, we can control how we show up with them, the world we create for them, the experiences we provide for them while with them. But when they go to the other house, guess what? That's out of our control. That's really none of our business. The very callous version of it is, you know, Hey, kid, I know. You gotta go to the other house, and it's gonna suck. But you know what, that's outside of my control, I can't really do anything to effectively change that. I hope things are going to be good for you find things to focus on that are positive, find things to distract yourself, and keep yourself interested, if you know, nothing interesting is going on. Because you're just kind of stuck in front of a TV perhaps, for the time that you're there. I mean, that's all you can do sometimes, is a hard reality. It's a reality, that sucks. But a lot of times, that's all that we really have to work with. What's the alternative, we're going to keep harassing somebody? No, you have to this, you have to that you have to get into these arguments in all these fights that never produce anything, and then just creates all sorts of negative dynamics between parents in different households. And then you get pulled down and there's conflict, and the kid picks up on that conflict. And not only are they being neglected, but they also have a totally pissed off parent, in the meantime, and all this conflict that they have to deal with. That's even worse. You know, being mad on their behalf and being depressed on their behalf doesn't make their experience better. We can feel as guilty as we want. We can feel as sad as we want. But it doesn't change reality for them. All it does is now add to the crap that they have over there. A depressed parent over here, or a guilty parent over here, or a mad pet, I think just whatever you want to say, it makes the whole situation worse, as opposed to a parent who says, Yeah, you know what, kid? And I've had to say this to my kids be like, Yeah, I know, you know, from what you're describing. That sucks. I mean, legit, that's sorry. But you have to go. And, frankly, that's not in my control. It is not my business to control someone else's parenting, it is not my business, to control someone else's house. I love you. I know who you are. And you're awesome. And you can find good things. And I encourage you to try to, you know, find some positive things over there. But ultimately, if you don't like the way things are going over there, you need to speak up. You need to say, Hey, you know, Mom, hey, you know, Dad, this, this isn't fun. I'm not liking this. Or what I've done with my daughter is like, come up with some positive, you know, suggestions, take some lead. If you're bored and feel like you're being neglected and everything else be like, hey, game night, I'm gonna go and get a board game and you'll take some lead over there. I'm not gonna be sitting in the wings back there being like, you should play Monopoly and you should go hang out with it. No, that's not my job. But if you're there, and you know that you're not liking your experience, and you can make some positive suggestions to be like, Hey, you know what, why don't we do this? Hey, everyone, let's go for a walk and take some initiative and start to lead things. Does that put a kid in kind of an adult role? Sure. It's better than nothing. And it starts training them to speak up for themselves this the sort of thing they're gonna have to learn in future relationships. when things aren't working for them, whether it's, you know, at work or with a significant other or their own families or their own axes or anything else, learning how to effectively speak up for themselves. That's a good thing. Now, here's a really, really big thing when it comes to the the other parent sucks. A lot of the complaint from the child is To get attention to get your attention. And so they'll show up and oh, I don't want to go I don't want to do this I don't want to do that is because they want extra tension. It's that tension seeking complaining. And what a lot of parents end up doing is getting themselves trapped in this cycle of bonding over complaining. Not just kids and parents do it. adults do it. So many people do it. Let's bond over the ways that we moan and complain about stuff. Well, kids and parents do it too. Let's, let's start bonding over complaining about mom or let's start bonding over complaining about Dad, let's go misery. Let's connect through commiseration. And it's so charged are so many just juicy, juicy charged emotions in there that both the kid and the parent get that they get to just really get in there and have this emotional feast over all the suffering that trauma that Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. And that's what they do. Here's a magical thing that happens when when your child is complaining about I don't want to go I don't want to they I don't. Oh, it's not so much. It's so much more fun here. Oh, I feel so bad about going there. And if you know there's there's no actual abuse going on. They're not being starved. They're not locked in a closet. They're not coming back with marks on their body. They're not being sexually abused. They're not any of those things that would warrant a CPS call. Guess what? They're looking for attention. And when they start to complain, you go, Uh huh. Well, move on from there. You don't feed it with an emotional response. Be like, Hey, you know what? That sounds? Sounds like you're not having a great time. You know, if, if that's really bothering you take it up with your mom. If that's, you know what, if that's really bothering you, take you out for your dad, here we go. You're heading on over. I know you make the best event and then you're going to have a great time. Come back, tell me what you know, good things you did. And then we're going to do fun stuff too. But Off we go. If you don't feed into the drama, if you don't connect through commiseration, guess what happens a lot of times, the problems vanish. It's a magical thing. When you don't feed the connection. Through commiseration, when you don't feed the we're going to connect over drama and complaining when you focus on just downplaying it and being like, yep, take that up. That's not, it's not anything that I'm either part of the problem or the solution on, you take that up with the other parent, go ahead and speak up. And have a great time when you just kind of do it that way. And you don't make it a you know, special bonding moment. You don't, oh, let's cuddle and just be so sad over how awful your other parent is. Now, when you take the connection element out of it, when you take the trauma bonding element out of it, whatever you want to call it, a lot of times it just vanishes. And when you put that responsibility on the child, you know, young children could do this to to just kneel, tell your mom tell your dad, you don't want that. Come up with some suggestion be like, hey, let's go play. Let's this let's that. When you put that on them a lot of times it's like, oh, well, I'm not being bailed out and I'm not getting loves and cuddles over this, then magically things just get better. Because a lot of times the complaints are exaggerations. A lot of times the complaints are going to be misstatements what really happened, let's just be honest, outside of outright neglect, they're going to just you know, cherry pick a few things that they think you want to hear in order to get you to bond with them. That's reality, and a lot of people are gonna hate that notion. Be like no, I believe everything my child says, Well, yeah, what your child says is true, but it's only this much of the truth. It needs to be put back in context. And just because this little bit is true, doesn't dictate How you have to respond to it, your greater value is we don't bond overcome is duration, we don't bond over complaining. You really want mature connection with your child to be based on complaining? No, of course not. Teach them gratitude, teach them to be proactive, teach them to be able to handle disappointment. Anyway, you control what you can control and the only thing you can control is yourself. You control the home you're responsible for, and that's your home alone. You don't control the other parents home, you don't control what they do, you don't control their values, you don't control the quality of their relationship with their child, guess what, if they're going to fail at it, let them fail. Let them fail. That could be one of the best gifts you ever give your child is let the other parent fail at it. Don't play into the game of being drawn into conflict and drama and years and years and years of cyclical, just nonsense. That's most of what it is they want to draw you in and be like, I'm going to screw things up. So my ex is thinking about me because I'm so I'm just it's this game that just gets played over and over again. And then everyone's trying to outcompete each other and trying to mislead each other and all this other nonsense, just step back from it and say, I'm not gonna play any of it. I'm gonna focus on my house, I'm going to focus on my relationship with my kid, I'm going to focus on loving them, growing them to be resilient and strong and aware and just self assertive, and all these great things. And if they go and they have a crappy experience at the other house, it's going to be you know, that's outside of my control, I'm going to equip you with everything that I possibly can, so you can speak up for yourself. But ultimately, that's your relationship with the other parent. And that's, that's all that there is. And yeah, might suck. But you know what, we're not going to bond over it, we're not going to form the foundation of our relationship on that. So when the other parent isn't showing up, that's on them. Just leave it over there. If they're not choosing to connect in the way that you wish they would connect that's on them. Don't project your expectations on them. If how they show up is disappointing your child that's between them. That's not involving you. Don't get drawn into it. Don't get pulled into it don't allow that lack of attention to turn into a complaining dynamic that tries to compensate for that attention by getting it from you through the vehicle of complaining. Don't play into that dynamic. That's not what you want to base your relationship with your child on. Anyway, I hope this helps. Again, Carl Knickerbocker. This is unapologetic parenting. You control yourself. You control your home, don't apologize for the standards that you have. Don't diminish yourself by the standards. The other home doesn't have