Preparing for Crazy - AKA Preparing for The Ex's Lies

If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context.  This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes.  And it will come.

We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversations and events, especially when any Cluster B personality disorder traits are involved.  Don't be caught off guard.  So many times clients have thought their exes would never do such things, and then they find themselves defending against false accusations, forged documents, and spending tens of thousands of dollars to fend off craziness.

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting, we take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. So if you're like me, you have had the experience of a divorce. And one of the things that's probably stood out to you is that all sorts of crazy stuff comes up, most of it, not real. So my own experience, all sorts of things were just made up, thrown around, slathered all over court, there was all sorts of accusations and just crazy stuff that didn't exist when you go through a divorce. If you don't believe already, that people can just make shit up, and then really believe that it's true and act like it's true. And they will swear to god that it is true, then they will remember things from the past and traumas and abuses and things that have Oh, they'll just go on and on and on and on and on. If you don't already get that people have the capacity to just make stuff up. And then in I think a lot of cases actually come to believe they're imagining themselves as true. If you don't get that people can do that. You will, if you haven't gone through your divorce process, yet, there's a really good chance that by pretty soon into it, you're going to realize that there are all flavors are crazy out there, ready to just make stuff up, just make it all up about you. And just throw all sorts of accusations at you. So there are books, there are books that you can get on Amazon about, you know, dirty divorce tactics, and how to get all sorts of money and, you know, naughty somebody, I forgot what the title is where they talk about, hey, it doesn't matter if it's true or not just, you know, screw him at this point during the process, this is where you should make your abuse call, you should call and say that there's been abused and there's been no violence and this and that, and then that's going to get him you know, arrested and then he'll be on the defensive and all these other things. And you can use that as leverage to get more money. It's all there in writing, these techniques are published, I have seen all sorts of that joy have had false, you know, police calls on me false CPS reports, false things filed with the court, and oh, well, he did this and this, and this was so and so. And oh, look at all these things he did. I'm like, wow, I had a more amusing life than I remember. Point is, people will just make stuff up. And they will make it up and act like it's true. And a lot of times, they're going to actually start believing that it's true. Now remember, most of the time when you're going through a divorce, if you haven't figured this out about your ex yet to a large number of the people that you're going to have the most conflict with, or the people who are going to cause the most conflicts and litigation and everything else in the divorce process. They have certain diagnoseable or close to diagnoseable issues, certain portion of the mental illness buffet, we'll call it the buffet over here in the cluster B section of the buffet. These are personality types, like antisocial, borderline, narcissistic. Let's see what's the other one Schizoaffective where they just make stuff up. And they will just believe all sorts of alternate realities and maybe even just conjure all sorts of stuff that doesn't really exist. And at the same time, then they're also probably seeing therapists or you have been seeing therapists and digging around and creating extra false memories. And then they go to group and then at group they are around other people going through similar high conflict things and then they share battle plans with each other and oh, this is how I screwed my ex over. Oh, that's a great idea. I'm gonna go screw my ex over to and then he or she does by making up all sorts of stuff as you go through it. Don't underestimate crazy crazy will come out and if you have any kind Have a notion already that crazies already been cooking there for years and you've been gas lit or you have PTSD from dealing with somebody just for years and years and years, it's only going to get worse. And you're going to get nailed by it. So how do you prepare? One you need to know it's gonna come to you need to start cleaning up everything in your life that could possibly be something that could be subject to attack. What I mean is you need to be impeccable. It is time to not give any sort of foothold in you know, we've talked about churchy stuff a foothold for the evil one. If you have any kind of cracks in your wall, any chinks in your armor, I don't know, whatever the metaphor is that you'd like, don't have anything that can be exploited. So you do that by being impeccable, be impeccable to your word. When you say, I'm going to do X y&z you do x y&z when you say you will be here, you will be there, when you say, this is my word on whatever that is your word out whatever, you should be impeccable with behavior, now is not the time to be doing stupid stuff. You should, you know, keep everything just very, very, very simple in your life. You don't need to be going out, you don't need to be going to bars, you don't need to be over drinking, you don't need to be this, that that anything else that could be totally normally fine for you. And maybe your friends will go do that now is not the time. You don't want to give anything that could be the foundation to be twisted and turned into something else. What other things can you do besides being impeccable, you can shut up. So that is one to really remember, now is a time to not just be impeccable. But you need to shut up? What do I mean? Stop talking to your ex, don't have those extra conversations, reduce everything to writing an email. You do not need to be putting yourself in any sort of situation that she can say, or he can say, Oh, I had this phone conversation. And, you know, he was yelling and cursing and saying all these awful things, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then it turns into this. He said she said, guess what, if you haven't experienced it in the past, you will that they will just make up conversations that don't exist. I have heard it myself being like, Wow, that's a really fascinating conversation that I had when I wasn't even there. It's like, how do you defend against that? you defend against it by showing that it never happened. And you can show there's no record of it never happened. Never did no evidence whatsoever. No. Not only keeping those conversations, you know, absent from the phone world, but in person. So when you're going through the divorce process or post divorce, if you know you're dealing with one of these people, you don't need to even be near your axe, don't go over don't visit. Don't be anywhere in proximity. Do not Do not Do not Do not give any sort of opportunity for that other person to say, Oh, I was in this situation. And then they started acting like that. And they'll just make stuff up to try to stir up more things. So I try try try try to try to keep it there's just like, nope, nobody comes near each other. You stay over there. I'm going to be way over here. There's no way we're going to come near each other. And one time that there was a kid exchange, and kids are supposed to come over and x days over there and I'm over here. Well, her comms surge running her mouth. Everything else. Next thing I know I'm getting notes about it is Oh, I felt so threatened to know this other stuff. It's like, No, none of those things happened. Trying to build litigation trying to fabricate. Don't even go there. Be impeccable with what you do. Don't say things that you don't mean. When you say something, do it when you say you will be somewhere do it. When you say something's gonna be delivered, deliver it, shut your face. Stop talking with your ex Don't be any kind of physical situation or any kind of proximity for any kind of conversation because all that does is create a context into which they'll dump their crazy. And then finally, keep things reduced to writing. Make sure that everything, everything, everything Everything gets reduced to documented form, and that you have a copy of whatever you get in a copy of whatever you send. So it's just, it's set. This is it, this is what was said, Nothing else was said. Now, of course, a lot of exes will try to jack with it. And so I've seen copies of my emails that have been altered, things that get chopped off, things that get, you know, responded to, but you know, removed, I've seen all sorts of things. They're still going to try that. But at least you're going to be insulated by saying, you know what, I've got copies, this can be shown this is it, this is the actual electronic record. It just keeps, keeps everything so much cleaner, so much better. So anticipate crazy, don't underestimate crazy, when things start to go down the divorce path bad is when people will decide, oh, time for me to just pull out all sorts of fictions, all sorts of lies, the gloves come off, if there's any kind of accusation against you true or not, that you had some sort of shenanigans and they're going to feel like they're justified on their holy crusade to just burn you to the ground. And they're going to consider it, you know, free game to do whatever they want, say whatever they want makeup, whatever they want, lie, cheat and steal, because you're the devil, and they're justified, be ready for it. Be ready for it. So many people that I've worked with so many people I've talked to, oh, she would never do that she, you know, yeah, she might have bipolar, and Geez, there's an app, but she would never do that she would never, then after you get into it. They're like, Oh, shit, she's doing all this. She's making up? Why is she making this all up? Don't underestimate crazy. And then, especially if you have kids, and once you see that pattern start that there crazies coming. That's why it's going to be so important for all the rest of your future, to keep things in parallel parenting, don't go parrot, don't over communicate, keep everything reduced to writing, don't have any involvement with your ex at all, other than what is just absolutely necessary, in terms of maybe scheduling change, or emergency care for the kids. Other than that have nothing to do with it. You don't have to sit anywhere near each other at school functions, you know, you have to go to school functions. Know that don't be together don't don't any of it, the moment you see that there's any potential for crazier fabrication, shut everything down, you do not want to go there, you do not want to be forking over 10s of 1000s of dollars, to litigation, about all these things that you never did. There are so many experts, so many therapists, so many lawyers that are going to be more than happy to just bill you into bankruptcy, over all of your exes, allegations of horrible things you did things you did in the past things you do to the kids or say to the kids and oh, let's construct this whole fantasy of parental alienation and then have custody forensic, whatever therapist people come in and pick all the lies apart. And it's just don't even don't even give it any kind of chance. Be impeccable. shut everything down, shut your face. Don't be near your ex at all. Keep everything in written form. And then moving forward. Just keep all of that in place. Let that be your foundation in your rule for everything you do for the rest of your future. So do everything in your power to insulate yourself from crazy crazy will come. I've seen it over and over and over and over and over again, with so many people, so many other people so many other families that they think that oh, this will never happen so and so's so they would never do this. Oh yeah, they will. And especially if you know that there's any kind of mental health issue and a certain little cluster over here. If you know that that's already there or suspected that's there. almost guarantee you you're gonna have some specialists in the future. So, one last time peccable Shut up. Stay away. Get everything in writing, and a carry all that through. If you have kids carry all of those standards through all the way through your future. It'll help reduce the impact and hope reduce the threat. It's going to help you sleep better. It's going to help protect you. It's just gonna make everything so much better moving forward.