Getting The Court To See The Narcissist For Who They Are

Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly.

That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system.

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome back to unapologetic parenting. I'm your host, Carl Knickerbocker. And in this episode, we are talking about getting the court systems to see clearly the narcissistic and disordered games that your ex is playing. And let me just cut to the chase, that will not happen. That is one of the things that we all want. We're like, Why on earth? Can't the court system see what these people are up to? Why on earth? Can't this judge Understand? What's really going on with this game? And what on earth is with these add line items? Are these court therapists and what is this other attorney spouting off? I mean, he or she is just lying through their teeth about me and on and on and on and on. If you expect the court system to just magically start getting it and say, Oh, yes, you're right, your ex is a narcissist. And this fits the diagnostic pattern of this and this and that, and you've been right all along, and we have all been gaslit by this, that will never happen. There. Maybe this one in a gajillion cases, where there is enough evidence where a judge might pick up and say, Alright, I see that there's some game coming, going on here. And I'm going to do something proactive to try to shut it down. And even then that doesn't typically do much. Other than that, when you start getting into the mental health arena, and trying to convince the court of your ex's disorder, and their disordered behaviors, it goes nowhere. And typically, if it goes somewhere, it's going to go against you. And you end up looking like the crazy one, you end up looking like the one who's trying to make mountains out of molehills and you look like the one who's ranting about disorders, while your ex is sitting over there with a little Halo over their head. And they've cleaned up and manipulated everything and orchestrated all this to make you sabotage yourself and burn off your own credibility by trying to prove to the court system that they have a problem. And on and on and on and on. This probably sounds very, very familiar to many of you. So the court system, these Family Lawyers, for me as an attorney, when I think of, you know, the bottom of the barrel, and then the thing that's below the bottom of the barrel, that's where you get a lot of family attorneys. And so these are people who are incredibly exploitative. They just lie about all sorts of things in the name of serving their clients, they are uncritical, they don't want to understand they don't have to understand they lose money, if they understand or care about the impacts of their works. They're alized and manipulative strategies, your escalations or everything else that they will just go along with to line their own pockets. They don't care how much money is taken out of families, they have no skin in the game. They show up and as long as they can say yes, I am zealously representing the best interests of my client for $350 an hour and I'm going to fight this all the way in here we go to court, as long as they say that, and they you know, can sleep soundly on a pillow stuffed with your family's money, then, you know, they're they're good. They are bulletproof. They are beyond reproach in the legal system. And so you have family lawyers who profit off of understanding and you know, if somebody is profit is somebody whose profit margin their bread and butter is tied to not understanding if somebody else's financial ability to take their kids on vacations and take their kids to Disneyland on your family's money, if that, if that's tied to them, remaining willfully ignorant, and that allows them to profit, they're going to stay willfully ignorant, they have no incentive to actually understand that this is a whole mental health issue rather than a legal issue. And they're not going to get it and so there have been speakers. There's bill Addy and all these other brilliant people who say, look, most of the high conflict things that happen in the family court system, these are mental health issues parading as legal issues, but nobody does anything about it. Nobody says hey, that's the truth. So when we see a high conflict situation, we need to throw the complete breaks and be like, Alright, who is the disordered person in this? And I think a lot of times, they don't want to do that one, because that's going to feed into the profit margin. And that's going to start sucking money out of this $35 billion plus per year industry that is the family law legal system in America. But I think you would start, you know, finding out that, oh, hey, at least one lawyer in this room has substance abuse problem, or at least one lawyer in this room, probably has a personality disorder themselves. And so a lot of times, if you've noticed, oh, well, you know, the opposing counsel or this attorney who, you know, mistreated me, they fit the profile as a disordered individual, as well, guess what they probably are. And they just, you know, are drawn to that profession, because it gives them all sorts of sadistic pleasure, they get to be as cruel and awful to people and lie all day long, and then make a big pile of cash for doing so it's beautiful for people who go into that practice, when they are disordered themselves. Now, judges can be very, very biased, I've seen very excellent judges in cases. And I've seen judges completely blow it just completely miss what is absolutely in front of them. Because, you know, one, they're part of the good ol boy system. And they go with, you know, Buddy Buddy lawyer that they used to practice with at such and such prestigious firm that, you know, pay their comp campaign contributions. And, you know, they're gonna have a spot ready and welcome for that judge to come back and be a mediator and make a pile of money after he or she retires from the bench, I see that a lot. And I just see, you know, judges that have no concept of trauma, or being trauma informed, or recognizing that abuse does exist, that there is such thing as mental abuse and emotional abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and personality disorders. To them, it's just, nope, here's the letter of the law or my, you know, 30 minute opinion, if they've even spent that much time thinking about or analyzing the case, just some sort of, you know, blanket knee jerk reaction, and here, you go out the door, and I'm gonna make that decision. So that judge most likely is not going to take the time to really sit down and cycle analyze every single case that comes to the court, they just don't have time. And they don't have incentive, and they don't have the education to do so and on and on, and on and on. And then let's make it even worse, you have the mental health professionals who are linked to the family court system. Now, upfront, personally, I don't have a very high opinion of most therapists out there. I think, you know, it's in the words of other PhD anxiety therapists. There are a lot of family therapists and think Family Law therapists out there that are on the level of charlatan, I think that's absolutely true. And I think that might be a little generous to just call them charlatans. But if you notice, you know, for 500 bucks, or 1000 bucks, you can find a therapist to show up and say anything you want. And then you can find ones that show up and say the complete opposite. And for a very small amount of money, you can find all sorts of these therapists are going to show up and testify about the psychological diagnosis and people they haven't even met. Oh, yeah, they are sleazy. And a lot of the ones that go into that profession, they do it because they know oh, this is, you know, easy cash, I'm going to have people referred to me, I can't really make it in private practice. Outside of this, I can just coast along. And then once I'm court appointed, that gives me some protections and immunity. And I can then fanned the flames of conflict, as I'm doing my therapy work. And oh, then I get to come and testify as a witness. And then I get to put on my pretty pretty outfit and do my hair all nice and be all did up and show up and charge for preparing for my testimony. And everyone's gonna look at me. And you can just imagine the personality types that get drawn into that particular field. So if you're thinking that the the therapists and the new family counselors and those linked to the system and the judge and the lawyers who make all their money off of the system, and that benefit and profit from increased conflict and high conflict and who make their money from not understanding mental illness, if you think that they're going to get it about your ex, oh, you're gonna be waiting a long time. Do not hold your breath for that to happen because you're completely incentivized not to. So that's all doom and gloom. Oh, that was Just very not edifying and not encouraging, I'm sure. So what do you do instead, really, the only thing that you have left to do is to focus on yourself. And make sure that you yourself are getting into the best space possible that you are investing your time and energy in cultivating yourself cultivating your life, making sure you are impeccable in what you say and do that you are living in such a way that is on the highest possible standards and highest possible plane of behavior and creation of the experiences that you want. You take all that energy that you would be wasting on trying to preach the gospel of the narcissist, and put that into yourself and put that into your home and put that into your kids. Invest that in making yourself. So solid, so impeccable, so consistent, that if you do have to show up in court, then just the fact of your presence, just the fact of how you live your life, the consistent example of you showing up in this impeccable way of you being solution driven, have you being clear on your boundaries and clear on the great things that you want to create for yourself and your kids? That example that will do the preaching for you. So you don't have to prove that the other person is crazy. You just show up and be yourself and say, Hey, I'm I'm not breaking any court orders here. I'm complying with everything, the things that I'm wanting to put in place these boundaries and these standards that I hold. This is for everybody's benefit. And here's the rational reasons why I do it. And I'm consistent with my word, you're not going to find any foul language and anything that I write, you're not going to see me lying, you have zero record of me doing anything that's legitimately wrong here. You just show up and stand there and just let your reputation and your character speak for itself. And if the court is able to see that, then they're able to see that and they will make a proper decision. If the court is not able to see your character and not able to see what is playing in front of them, then you sure as hell weren't going to convince them of your ex being a narcissist or anything like that anyway, so you can only focus on you, you can't control the court system. You can't really change that system from inside and get these lawyers and these therapists and these judges to see clearly how bad your ex is. They don't want to hear it. They don't want to see it. They are willfully ignorant to most of it. All you can do is focus on yourself. All you can do is focus on bettering yourself cultivating yourself making yourself as impeccable and healthy and grounded and just untouchable in your own character is possible and then allow that to speak for itself.