How Not To Get Baited In By The Narcissist

Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple.  They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions.  The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes.

When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life.  The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can have your attention for themselves.  Don't give it to them. 

Transcript

Unknown: 0:00

This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome back to unapologetic parenting. I'm your host Carl Knickerbocker. And in this episode, we are talking about an exes manipulations, the things that they do to try to get you baited in to some sort of conflict to try to get you to drag yourself back into whatever arguments or disagreements or fights or whatever else is going on, that they want to drag you into. And long story short, we all have experienced this, they just do all sorts of crazy things, to try to bait us into some sort of response. And for me, the thing that works the most when you're dealing with a narcissistic ex, when you're dealing with a narcissistic co parent, or somebody in that borderline cluster B specialists, one of the primary things that lays the the full foundation for dealing with them, and avoiding getting drugged into their manipulations is to have a really good clear sense of something better to do with your time, something better to do with your life. And so one of the greatest antidotes to the narcissist, one of the greatest things of vaccination, so to say one that actually works. So to say, against the narcissistic parent is to have something far, far, far better to occupy your time with. So this is where you get very clear on your vision, you get clear on the vision of what you want for yourself in terms of experiences, you get very clear for yourself in terms of what experiences you want for your family in your home, what you want your dinners to look like what you want your travels to look like your conversations, your game nights, your personal time, what you want all these different fields and spaces in your life to look like in terms of your ideal experiences, experiences of connection with others experiences of love connections, based in peace experiences that are full of joy. And you get very specific, not just I want to feel connection, or I want to feel good, I want happy times, nothing like that. Be very, very specific. Talking about I want conversations that look and sound like this. And meal times that smell like this and food that tastes like that and be very, very descriptive. And go into lots and lots and lots of detail of the things you envision creating for yourself. These ideal situations where you can, in those experience that types of connection, and love and joy and peace, all these things that you really, really want. And then get excited about that and check in with yourself and say, Alright, these are the things that I really, really want. And now what can I do that brings me a couple steps closer to it. And check in with that day after day after day, multiple times every day. Check in with the experiences you are cultivating and creating and all the spaces of your life and become kind of obsessed with it. This awesomeness that you're going to create for yourself and your family and your loved ones and all those people who are friends and co workers, just this awesome experience that you're going to cultivate in life and be very descriptive, like I said, and when you become obsessed with it, when you become very methodical and checking in with it and excited about it and asking yourself routinely, how do I come a little bit closer to this? Well, then when the crazy ex shows up, and starts trying to get your attention and starts trying to manipulate by lying or doing something stupid or showing up late or just who knows what their weirdness or craziness is, when you have something far better to focus on then whatever drama it is that they are trying to drag you into. You just don't even want to go there. Because you're like, Hey, I'm, I'm creating all these things over here. And this is a beautiful life. And I've got these boundaries that are set in place that uphold the things that I want to create. And some of my boundaries, say, you know, I'm not going to waste my time on things that are not aligned with these types of experiences. I'm not going to go over on the other side of the boundary fence to deal with these things that are not aligned with the experiences that I want to have and you're able to see the manipulation start and then just say, you know, that's just not aligned with the life that I want. So I'm not even going to do it. That is not aligned with the types of experiences that I want myself or my kids to have. So I'm just not not going to engage it at all. And you look at it, and you just say, wow, that's just really sad. And that's a real crappy experience, and they want to go create more crap for themselves. Okay, they can go create crap, I wouldn't be over here creating something awesome. And the more you get empowered in pursuing the things that you want in life, the more you get obsessed and empowered in developing the experiences you want for yourself, the easier and easier it becomes to just see the sad little manipulation and just say, Oh, that's just so sad. And yet, there's nothing there that I really need to address. None of that's really my job to have to handle. They can go wallow in whatever it is that they want to wallow in. And as long as nobody is being legitimately threatened, and I don't have to intervene, through, you know, police or CPS or something like that involving the kids, well, if it's nothing that I have to respond to, I'm just not, because I'm busy over here doing these awesome things. So one of the best ways to avoid being manipulated, and controlled and drugged back into these old patterns of creating horrible experiences is to get very, very clear on the great things you want to create, and then get very excited about those things. And every day check in and say, again, how do I take one or two more steps closer to creating these experiences, what is just one or two more things that I can do today, to move closer to this experience, or that experience or any other experience or set of experiences. And before you know it, you've taken all these steps, and you're starting to live inside of those new experiences. And those experiences are yours. Those are your creation, you are living your life on your returns, you are creating things based on what your vision is, you are creating a life for yourself and your children based on your empowerment, your creation, your work your vision, and that is the direct opposite of the narcissism narcissistic influence. Because what what do they want, they want you to drop your vision, your empowerment, and feed them. So when you keep your focus and do not divert your focus from what you are creating, you serve starving out the narcissist, and they can try to manipulate, they can make all sorts of noise, they can say all sorts of curse words, it can be threatening, they can do all this stuff and have their little tantrum over there. And you just look at it and say, Wow, that is really pathetic. Whereas it used to be like, Oh, well, I need to go over there and fight because, you know, wow, that's dramatic. And I get some sort of emotional satisfaction from doing so. Or I think that I'm going to be able to change this person or whatever else have you Well, guess what, you're not going to change them, it's not your job to change them. It is not your job to have to respond to anything that is not aligned with the great things that you want to create. And so if it's not aligned with what you really, really want in life, and it's no legitimate, pending threat to the safety, true safety of your kids, and it's nothing that you just have to have to have to respond to on a factual level. Then just let it go stay focused on what you're doing, they focused on what you're creating. And so they make their noise. You look at it, you say That's pathetic, and I'm gonna go create this. So what are one or two more steps that I can take to move closer to this thing that I want for my kids? What are one or two more steps that I can take toward this wonderful new lifestyle that I'm creating and immediately bring your focus back to creation that will cut out so much of the manipulation and will cut out so much of the magnetic pole from the narcissist because you've got something that's far more magnetic, far more exciting and completely yours?