Uncomfortable Child Exchanges

Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.

Transcript

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This is unapologetic parenting podcast dedicated to candidly and unapologetically discussing parenting, divorce and co parenting. We take on the topics most people don't want to talk about and offer support and solutions to help you be a better parent, co parent and human being. Now without further ado, let's get right to it. Welcome back to unapologetic parenting. I'm your host, Carl Knickerbocker. And in this episode, we are talking about those uncomfortable child exchanges. Oh, we've probably all seen them, where the ex has to put on some sort of show, to try to get all sorts of drama and attention and cling on to the kids or find some way just to make it as just emotional and unpleasant and counterproductive. And everything else is possible. I'm sure, pretty much all of the listenership here is very, very familiar with this. So from personal experience, one of the things that I had to do early on was insist on all exchanges to be in some neutral, public place. So I picked the parking lot of a particular coffee shop, and said, Hey, any kind of exchanges, they just need to be here. And the kids can just move from one car to the other, but nobody's coming over to the house, nobody's walking up to my door, nothing like that. And the reason behind that, for me is because there's a history of assault there from the acts in, I did not want that anywhere on my property didn't want that anywhere near me didn't want that near any body in my life. And so what made the most sense was to have a neutral place that had neutral public eyes on it, everything could be out in the open, and the kids would just move from point A to point B, and that would eliminate any chance of threat on some private ground or private standing. And also knowing that something that would frequently happen is just a complete fabrication of accusations from the other side. So this would help tamp that out or try to reduce or eliminate any potential reality for there being false allegations. What made sense was to have everything out in public. So as pleasant and charming as that is, the question then is, well, what about the kids in a situation like that, that just sounds very, very tense. And that just sounds like such a, you know, pain for them or an awful experience for them. And for a lot of people, it is a very awful experience, they show up. And again, the axe is having to go through some sort of nail cathartic experience or wailing and gnashing of teeth or saying things that he or she shouldn't say, and they just make it as awful as possible. During that exchange time. My personal approach to it is you show up for exchanges, completely neutral, just there's no reason to say anything, there's no reason to go over to the other person. There's no reason for any sort of interaction whatsoever, whether positive or negative. And in my context, granted, the kids were old enough and big enough to be able to walk from point A to point B. And of course, my ex still had to jack with that by instead of parking on the same row where there's a sidewalk, so the kids could just walk from point A to point B, she would have to park across something or park somewhere else. So then she would have to walk with the kids and cling on to them and everything else and have some excuse to drag herself over to the other vehicle and make the whole thing. Just complete weird scene, instead of just letting the kids go. Finally, we found a location where that was possible that only had one sidewalk and parking just along that one sidewalk, had to get very creative and find just the perfect location to close that silly loophole. But I digress. What is important is when you show up in that space, you show up in a mental space in an attitudinal space that is just very detached and low key. And so you're there. It's a delivery of, you know, kids from point A to point B. And that's it. And that's all it is. And so all that needs to happen is just movement of the kids from one vehicle to the other, that it doesn't have to be a big show. It doesn't have to be big anything. It's just Oh, hey, here we go. Come get the car and keep things just very, very low key. Kids are going to pick up on the motion. They're going to pick up on the emotions and the feelings of the parents behind the scenes. And so even if everyone is silent, and they're feeling all sorts of stress and anxiety and resentment and hate and everything else, because they're going to be picking up on that, you can do wonders for your children, by just getting yourself into a very neutral space. And just say, you know, I'm just going to move them from point A to point B, I'm here to pick them up. And that's it. Not here to talk to anybody don't have to, don't want to, that's it. If anybody has something they need to communicate, they can send a note through the app, they can keep everything in writing, we're not going to be having any sort of verbal exchange. And that's just it. And then allow the kids to move from point A to point B, or if you actually have to go over and you know, receive the younger child, then that's what you do. And you just do so very quietly, don't say a word if you don't have to, and just, you know, they're they go back, you go to the vehicle, put them in the vehicle, and then Off you go, and then keep things low key for a while, and allow them to acclimate. So I think one of the big mistakes, big, big, big mistakes that a lot of parents do that actually make things worse for kids during exchanges, is they try to be very just like, Oh, I missed you and I this and Oh, they make this big emotional thing. It's a big emotional thing when the kids leave. And it's a big emotional thing when the kids are received by the other side, my recommendation is just stop that stop that completely. The kids go from point A to point B, they go from home a to home B, that's the way things are. And the more that you can normalize that and the more that you can remove the emotion from that and just make it a matter of fact, transition like going to the store thing, you're gonna go to the store. Yep, we're gonna go over here, we're going to go to school, we're going to go from point A to point B, and just make it just like any other transition of space, that does wonders for the kids, and it takes all sorts of tenseness out of it. So your ex may show up in that space, and just be a wreck and try to be combative and try to do all sorts of the wrong things. It is your job to just be there in a neutral space. Try your best to just embody quiet positivity for the kids embody peace for them, and allow them to pick up on your embodiment of something better in that space, something other than tenseness and resentment and crazy making and whatever else the other person is doing. That is how you can help defuse these tense situations. So if if an exchange has to be out in public, let it be at someplace neutral, like a coffee shop or somewhere like that, make it happen just quickly and easily. And quietly. And that's it. If the kids are old enough, just allow them to walk from point A to point B, you don't even have to go near the x just leave it at that though, there'll be totally fine just having to walk over to your car and get in. If you're having to do exchanges. At the other house like for us, we have finally transitioned to a situation where it's like, Alright, we've got enough cameras, everything around the house, you go ahead, you can just drop the kids off at the sidewalk, and then they can walk up to the house and let themselves in. Nobody else better be stepping on my property. And then vice versa. You just pull up in front of the other house, the kids get out of the car, they walk up to the front door and we leave it at that. That's all that it needs to be it cuts out all of the tenseness it cuts out all of the interaction, there's no reason for parents to have to talk or chit chat or anything else or have a tense interaction or tense exposure to each other during any kind of exchange, especially when the kids are you know, five, four, just old enough and smart enough hopefully to be able to walk from a car to a house or you know, get them close enough to the apartment door or whatever have you or have the other parent wait outside at a distance and then you know the kids get out of the car and they can walk over to the other parent and allow there to be space like that allow there to be distance that is totally fine. Everyone doesn't have to congregate around the child and do all their booze and whatever else weirdness and emotionalism during exchanges. No, just none of that. Let the kids simply travel from point A to point B make it totally neutral. Do it in such a way that even lemonades as much if not all communication and contact with the other parent as possible and just leave it at that just completely leave it at that. And the kids will pick up on your neutrality, the kids will pick up on your peace the kids will breathe a huge sigh of relief I know from mine from experiences are like, dear goodness, thank you dad that, you know, we're doing things that cut that weirdness out. And it does them a world of good to just not even have to see that or be exposed to that. That's not loving displays of over weird emotionalism with extreme farewells or extreme greetings that doesn't do anything good for anyone. Just keep it low key, keep it neutral, and stick to that. So again, best way to eliminate tense situations is one, get the logistics down. So you don't have to have any kind of face to face or proximity exposure to the ex, do it quietly, nobody has to say anything. If we have a rule in place that says all communication is in writing, then you keep all communication in writing. And that's it. And then just refuse to play into any of the games. You just show up, you're the normal person, you just allow it to be normal. So other story from my experience, my accident, decided to try to, you know, come over and hang on to the kids during one of the public exchanges and literally like had her arms around one of the kids and like, well hostage situation, not letting her go and search talking about, you know, oh, he never responds. He never then just like all this nonsense about me not responding to things that had nothing to do with reality, which that's a good rule good boundary, don't respond to things that aren't real. And that was just the gentle reminder of No. If you have something to say you write it, the end. And oh, the flip out, then I started getting the notes later on about, you know, feel so threatened. And so in dangered and now we need to do exchanges that one of these like co parent halfway houses where you can drop the kids off at a safe place. And oh, all this stuff is for like high conflict supervised visits. And you just look at that and say, Okay, this person's just off their rocker, that has nothing to do with reality, clearly this person is just looking for attention or who the hell knows what. And so my only response was, Alright, next exchange, same place, same time, that that and just blow it completely off. Everything proceeds the way it is and you know, eventually, person learn to start behaving better. And then we were able to transition to a model of exchanges that just drops the kids off at the front doorsteps. So whichever model you find yourself in whatever works best logistically to just defuse any kind of proximity or exposure, do that. And when you show up, be completely neutral, be nonreactive be non responsive. You don't have to engage anything. You don't have to engage or play any of the emotionalism if they're racking, they're crying, and boohoo and you don't have to be the opposite of that. You don't have to console them. You don't have to play into it. You don't have to argue back or respond. It could just simply be no thanks. Let's go kids get in the car. And just keep it at that and the other person can shoot their mouth off all they want but you stay calm and you stay neutral. Alright, here we go. In the car tralala Off we go. And then that's it. So get very clear on the logistics of how to do the exchange and then get very clear on the type of peaceful neutral attitude and emotional space that you're going to show up with at those exchanges.